I've been reading up on depression lately because I've been suffering from inability to concentrate, bad cases of forgetfulness and many other 'symptoms'. It isn't as easy as that, but I shan't elaborate lest it'll sound like whining.

& please, I'm saying this because I just want to write it down, not to get anybody's sympathy. Please don't try to act nicer/differently because of this or it'll make me crazier.


Maybe its due to me wanting to know the truth about everything, doing something only if there's meaning or if its something I like (therefore suffering grades), worrying about what to do in my future, constantly accessing what I'm good/not good at to try to find out what I should do in the future. I just want to do something I like, and not something to get money, or meet expectations.

I've made mistakes. I wanted to do art, but I keep thinking I'm not good enough and I'm so stressed up by A'level art that I'm beginning to doubt my own abilities. How to survive like that in the future? I love music but.... there are just so many buts.

Other people might be able to do something they love even though they're not good at it because they can accept failures and I can't. I'm afraid I'll lose my interest in something. My interests are basically art and music. I know I should get rid of this soon.


Then I thought about psychology, which I've been interested in since young. Sadly, you need rather good grades for university and there's increasing competition for the course. Don't you think its a little too late for me to work hard right now? This is the only reason why I want to retake my A's.

My refusal to work hard because I find no meaning in what I'm doing now might be the death of me. It will be. I refuse to do anything I don't like, I refuse to do something meaningless, I refuse to say things that I don't mean. I know I'll have to pay for that.

But it feels like I'm living life. I feel happier that way, just that the environment around me is pressurizing me. This conflict between what I want to do and what I'm supposed to is KILLING ME.



I've always thought of retaking the A's. I need a mistake to happen to know what I want in life, I really do. Fail, retake and do it better.

I'm not just plain lazy, or distracted because of games. Its just that I get so confused about my future and what I'm good at that it occupies my mind all the time and I'd rather do things I'm better at.

They say you have to force yourself to do things you don't like in order to succeed sometimes. BUT I REALLY CAN'T AND I'M NOT THAT STUPID IMMATURE KID WHO USED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT LOUSY GRADES CAUSE I DON'T STUDY ANYMORE.

I'm just confused and can't do things meaninglessly. Maybe I'm still immature, and I'm the only one who can help myself mature.